![caragh:
Oh, Jesus Christ.
An open letter to Jon Gosselin:
Dear Jon Gosselin,
Remember all those times I joked about Kate dying of natural causes and then we’d start up a new show called Jon & Caragh + 8 - 1 Because We Found A Way To Abort Maddy (From Our Lives. [Also From Her Life. {We Shot Her.}])
Someone needs to sit you down for a talk. I need to explain to you that the reason why American women fell in love with you was because you were an okay-looking Asian man who had 8 adorable children and a wife you helped out a whole friggin’ lot.
But then you stopped hanging out with your 8 adorable children and divorced your wife. Then you IMMEDIATELY, without HESITATION, gained 40 pounds, pierced both ears and invested in an incredible amount of Ed Hardy wear.
And I know, Jon, I know the last person who should be talking about your weight gain is me. I mean, of all fucking people! Amirite?! But listen, here’s a really good excuse: I am still shallow.
The only reason we liked you was because of your Loyal-Husband-And-Dad Status. That shit is so, so impressive. You don’t understand what those kids did for your looks. You went from semi-attractive to incredibly bonable in 6 fetuses flat.
There’s a customer at my bank who is not attractive, Jon. At all. He comes in with his 4 year old son who is mentally handicapped and so, so adorable and happy all the time. One day he told us what happened to his wife, the boy’s mother. SHE DIED. DURING CHILDBIRTH. THAT’S THEIR ONLY KID. Now, all of a sudden, this man is very, very attractive. Consolable.
You were a glorified pity-fuck for America, Jon Gosselin. Don’t you ever forget that. Especially when you find yourself doing a line off a pair of fake tits somewhere in the heart of Miami and then you realize, in your sober moment, that that girl is Maddy. And this is the woman she has become. Because you were never around.
Love,
Caragh.
This is too funny!](http://25.media.tumblr.com/toqlz68jupu4vh0lKnTAwF9io1_500.png)
Oh, Jesus Christ.
An open letter to Jon Gosselin:
Dear Jon Gosselin,
Remember all those times I joked about Kate dying of natural causes and then we’d start up a new show called Jon & Caragh + 8 - 1 Because We Found A Way To Abort Maddy (From Our Lives. [Also From Her Life. {We Shot Her.}])
Someone needs to sit you down for a talk. I need to explain to you that the reason why American women fell in love with you was because you were an okay-looking Asian man who had 8 adorable children and a wife you helped out a whole friggin’ lot.
But then you stopped hanging out with your 8 adorable children and divorced your wife. Then you IMMEDIATELY, without HESITATION, gained 40 pounds, pierced both ears and invested in an incredible amount of Ed Hardy wear.
And I know, Jon, I know the last person who should be talking about your weight gain is me. I mean, of all fucking people! Amirite?! But listen, here’s a really good excuse: I am still shallow.
The only reason we liked you was because of your Loyal-Husband-And-Dad Status. That shit is so, so impressive. You don’t understand what those kids did for your looks. You went from semi-attractive to incredibly bonable in 6 fetuses flat.
There’s a customer at my bank who is not attractive, Jon. At all. He comes in with his 4 year old son who is mentally handicapped and so, so adorable and happy all the time. One day he told us what happened to his wife, the boy’s mother. SHE DIED. DURING CHILDBIRTH. THAT’S THEIR ONLY KID. Now, all of a sudden, this man is very, very attractive. Consolable.
You were a glorified pity-fuck for America, Jon Gosselin. Don’t you ever forget that. Especially when you find yourself doing a line off a pair of fake tits somewhere in the heart of Miami and then you realize, in your sober moment, that that girl is Maddy. And this is the woman she has become. Because you were never around.
Love,
Caragh.
This is too funny!
